What is good sex? It’s really not very complicated. Simply stated, good sex is when you both agree that it’s good. In other words, you don’t have to perform certain positions from the book you just read, or do it for some prescribed number of times You just have to agree that whatever you do, however many times you do it, feels good and right to both of you. That’s good sex.
It’s common for couples to focus on the orgasm as being the barometer of good sex. But that negates many acts of love that could give them pleasure. There is a difference between making love and having sex. Here’s how I see the difference:
MAKING LOVE can happen even when you aren’t in bed. Having a romantic dinner, flirting, laughing, having a heart-to-heart talk, playing music and dancing together are forms of making love. In bed, here’s what making love is:
- Being aware. Letting yourself feel and enjoy everything moment to moment.
- Being physically tender–caressing, kissing, cuddling.
- Saying what you want and expressing how good it feels (words or sounds) when you get it.
- Asking what your partner wants and giving it to him/her, taking pleasure from the giving.
- Combines being “turned on” with the feeling of love for your partner.
- It may or may not culminate in intercourse and orgasm.
HAVING SEX is releasing sexual energy, but not being particularly intimate with your partner. Here are some of its features:
- Sometimes relies on outside stimulation to get turned on such as fantasies, sex toys, magazines, porn movies, etc.
- The focus is on orgasm.
- Talking, playing, laughing, touching, kissing, are often ignored or done mechanically so as to hurry up and get to the goal, i.e. the orgasm.
- Can leave you feeling empty or lonely inside.
Let me be clear, I think there is a place for both in a relationship. Making love, however, is the act that enhances the relationship the most because it brings more closeness and intimacy. If a relationship consists entirely of having sex, there is probably an intimacy problem. Having sex exclusively can lead to feelings of emptiness, loneliness and dissatisfaction. That’s not how you want to feel with your beloved, is it? So why not enrich your sex life by having both in your repertoire?
In my next post, I’ll talk about things for couples to do if one or both is dissatisfied because there is too much focus on orgasm. See How to enrich your sex life
Check out my book, The Affair: From Breakdown to Breakthrough, A Therapist’s Real-life Journey, for more great tips and insights about relationships. You can buy it on Kindle worldwide from all Amazon websites, including www.amazon.com