Gaining power through a breakup…part 2

When you’ve been with someone, loved them, lived through experiences with them, weathered a few storms together, it’s not easy to let go. Even if the relationship wasn’t all that great, you were comfortable, and now you’re facing the unknown.  Questions fly through your head: will you find someone better?  Will you be alone? Are you financially okay? Are your kids going to be all right?

Breakups shake us to our core, but you know what?…that’s not a bad thing.  In fact, the upheaval is a great opportunity for you to learn and grow if you make the effort to discover the lessons that are there for you.  The insights and wisdom you gain from consciously going through the process will move you to a better, more satisfying place.

How do you help yourself during this time?  You get active!  Getting through the chaos to the liberation on the other side takes effort.  First and foremost, explore yourself.  What was your part in creating what was?  Please don’t say it was all his/her fault.  That is never the case.  Both of you created your relationship, so rather than simply blaming which doesn’t help you grow, explore what you did to contribute to the problems and take responsibility. (see Want to be happy?  Stop Blaming!)

Here are more suggestions:

Talk to people who care about you. You need love,understanding and support, and these are the people who can give it to you.  They will help you smile, even laugh when you have forgotten that the sun still shines in your world.  Understand, though, that no matter what advice others may give you, even good friends, you need to check in with your own inner guidance to see if it feels right.  Meditation is a great way to do that.

Get professional help if you need it.  You may only need a session or two to get you started on the right track.  Or you might decide to explore yourself more deeply with a therapist.  A trained professional can be extremely helpful at this most vulnerable time.

Treat yourself well–exercise, eat healthy, do nice things for yourself.  Be sure to watch for critical thoughts. (see Are your thoughts ruining your life?) A brutal mind shellacking will only make things worse.  So, instead of beating yourself up, do your best to be kind and gentle with yourself.  (see The one good friend you need…yourself!)

Continue to live–see friends, do your daily activities, do a good job at work, with your kids, etc.  Make an effort to be in the present with all that you do. This will help you stay grounded.

Allow times when you feel like hiding under the covers and doing all the wrong things. You might schedule ten minutes  of negativity a day where you let off stream from what’s boiling inside–anger, meanness, depression. Express all of it, but when your scheduled time is up…STOP.  Allowing short periods of negativity will help you move forward.  Glossing over them means they remain toxic in your body, poisoning you  physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Find inspiration where you can: books, seminars, spiritual endeavors, walking in nature, petting your cat or dog, watching uplifting movies, talking with someone who has successfully gone through the same situation.  Inspiration gives us the courage to get through the hard stuff and reach for greater heights.

Finally, remember that this too shall pass. Be assured that you will feel good again.  Take the adversity and use it, not to your detriment, but for your benefit.  If you do, you might just look back and see the upheaval as one of the best things that ever happened to you.  Good luck and happy landing!

(For more tips on breakups, see Gaining power through a break-up)

Check out my book, The Affair: From Breakdown to Breakthrough, A Therapist’s Real-life Journey, to learn how my husband and I got through our crisis and made our bond stronger than ever.  You can read a synopsis of the book on my website, www.infidelityandaffairs.com and buy it worldwide from all Amazon websites (both print and Kindle) and Barnes and Noble.  The book also gives you great tips and insights on relationships, as well as how to deal with this painful circumstance.

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