You’ve made your choice. You’re going to stay. You’ve worked on it with or without your partner, and because of the kids, or your thought that there’s nobody better out there, or your fear of being alone, or whatever, you’re not leaving. Now, I’m not going to talk about whether or not that’s a good decision because, frankly, I don’t know you or your situation. But I will say this: if you are living with someone who is physically or emotionally abusive, you need to re-think your decision. That situation can be extremely destructive…even dangerous.
So here you are with a partner who is not giving you what you want. What do you do? Well, you get what you need from other sources. Say, you’re missing affection from your partner. They just aren’t the nurturing, affectionate kind. So instead of trying to squeeze it out of them, you find another source…first and foremost, yourself. See my post, “The one good friend you need…Yourself!” to shed more light on how to do that.
Other possible sources: cultivate loving friends who hug you and tell you how wonderful you are. Get a dog that excitedly wags its tail just at the sight of you, or a cat who snuggles and purrs every time you run your hand through it’s fur. Get love from a family member who appreciates you and your talents…cooking, keeping your house beautiful and clean, your watercolor paintings, your sharp mind, your wonderful sense of humor. In other words, your partner is not your only source for love and affection. There are others into which you can tap.
A second piece of advice? Stop complaining about your partner and what you’re not getting. Complaining keeps you trapped in the same negative, deprived state. Accept them for who they are and appreciate what they do give you. And don’t say you’re not getting anything. If that were true, you wouldn’t be there in the first place.
It’s really our own responsibility to make ourselves happy. Sure, a relationship can enhance our lives, but it’s up to us to provide deep-down happiness for ourselves. Have you heard the saying?…”you are the only person who will never leave you. Best be kind to yourself.” Makes sense, doesn’t it? So why not commit to yourself today? That’s the ultimate commitment, and you most certainly deserve it. Try it, and let me know how you’re doing. I would love to hear.
Check out my book, The Affair: From Breakdown to Breakthrough, A Therapist’s Real-life Journey, for more great tips and insights about relationships. You can read a synopsis of the book on my website, www.infidelityandaffairs.com and buy it worldwide from all Amazon websites (both print and Kindle) and Barnes and Noble.