We humans crave love, caring and closeness. You might dispute that because somewhere along the way you learned to be afraid to deeply share yourself with another. Maybe you don’t know what’s wrong; just that you often find yourself feeling lonely and distant from your partner. This is a clue that intimacy is an issue. Ever wonder why? Here are some things that might have happened:
1) You are afraid of someone having too much control over you coming from a past where a parent or other significant person in your life was so controlling that you were not allowed to be you. Instead, they tried to mold you into their version of who you should be. So now you hold your partner at a distance so that that will never happen again.
2) You are afraid of rejection coming from the hurt you felt when you reached out to someone and it wasn’t reciprocated. Now, you keep your distance or don’t form relationships at all so as not to feel shunned again.
3) Your parents were emotionally distant so you had no model for closeness. To you, distance feels normal; closeness feels uncomfortable or sometimes downright creepy. You avoid that uncomfortable feeling by keeping your partner at arms length.
Hopefully these 3 reasons will inspire you to do some introspective thinking. Gaining insight as to why you do what you do will help you to feel compassion for yourself. You don’t just “push away” because of some inherent flaw. You do it because you want to feel safe. But safety comes at a price. It limits the wonderfully deep love that is possible with your beloved.
If you want to expand beyond this limitation, awareness is the first step. In my next post (How to have more closeness with your mate) I reveal some clever ways you might be using to push your partner away. And then, hallelujah! how you can stop doing them! Tune in if you’re ready to have more. Believe me, it’s well worth the effort.
Check out my book, The Affair: From Breakdown to Breakthrough, A Therapist’s Real-life Journey, for more great tips and insights about relationships. You can read a synopsis of the book on my website, www.infidelityandaffairs.com and buy it worldwide from all Amazon websites (both print and Kindle) and Barnes and Noble.