How to find “the one.”

So, you want to find the love of your life.  You’ve been looking and looking, seemingly doing everything possible to find “the one,” yet you’re still single.  Your frustration is building, or maybe the search has become so disheartening that you’ve simply given up. If this describes you, then I have some suggestions.

First of all you might be looking in the wrong place… “out there,” rather than “in here.”  When your search has been all external, ie, a quest to find the perfect person, you’ve ignored something very important–your own internal barriers that sabotage you and keep you from getting what you want. These are hidden yet they dictate your behavior. So what do you do?

First of all, take a look at how you’re showing up for your dates.  Are you coming across as too needy and desperate?  Or maybe you’re trying to hide your desperation by being way too cool and aloof. Are you moving too quickly rather than taking one appropriate step at a time?  Whatever your pattern, you need to uncover it, take responsibility for it, then explore it until it no longer has a hold on you.

Here are some unconscious blocks that might be holding you back:

1)  Your parents had a terrible relationship.  You are afraid of repeating that, so you unconsciously choose not to have a relationship at all.

2)  You were terribly hurt in a previous relationship and you don’t want to chance another painful experience.

3)  You made a subconscious agreement with mom or dad that you would never love anyone as much as you loved them, so a partner is essentially a betrayal.

4)  You don’t want to abandon a needy parent who depends on you too much.

5)  You’ve idealized a parent, and nobody can ever live up to your idealized picture.

6) A parent was so controlling that you are now terrified of intimacy, not wanting anyone to have that kind of control over you again.

These are just a few of the underlying reasons why you might not have found your true love. Keep in mind that these blocks are unconscious, so it’s going to take an introspective exploration to discover just what’s holding you back.  Awareness is the first step.  Then comes the interesting and rewarding journey to overcome your block.

Caveat: the path to self-discovery is not a smooth or easy one.  But the rewards are great.  Just think, taking responsibility that it’s YOU, not THEM, means you’ve stopped the futile, frustrating search “out there” and have embarked upon an internal journey which gives you a great chance to truly have what you want–that very special love that you’ve been craving.

Have you been looking outside for the perfect partner and met with disappointment?  I would love to hear how it’s been for you, and whether this insight is helpful.

Check out my book, The Affair: From Breakdown to Breakthrough, A Therapist’s Real-life Journey, for more great tips and insights about relationships. You can read a synopsis of the book on my website, and buy it worldwide from all Amazon websites (both print and Kindle) and Barnes and Noble.

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